Day 5-6

I wasn't able to update my blog for the past day because it has been a "merry" -go-round for me.

Ash Wednesday...... I planned to and actually went to mass alone. I thought that this was a perfect day to start fresh. Its the day for forgiveness and prayer. I prayed for forgiveness from the hardships that she went though for me. At that moment, all I could do was humble myself by bowwing, clasped my hands together and hope that my heart's plea for forgiveness would take to the air and be heard by her. In return, I would feel that she has forgiven me. It wasn't just her that I needed to be forgiven, I also need to forgive myself and forget the tragedies that happen so as not be stuck in the past. I must learn to let go of the past and not to limit the possibilities so that the present would be a surprize.

I knew that she heard the previous mass but I dragged myself to come early and possibly be able to catch a glimpse of her knowing then that the next time I get to see her would be next week when I came back. Well I did.... I was able to see her and it meant all the difference befor I leave.But, I think God wants me to have something nice to remember her by when I left. She called thinking that I maybe in Starbucks doing my usual coffee binge. Hoping to find someone to be with while she studied, it ended with me sharing dinner with her that night. That was something long overdue. And as if knowing that dinner may not be enough to quench my craving for her, friends that I haven't seen and also missed started texting to meet up. It was turning out to be a night that I silently prayed for but never thought might happen. By the end of that night, I felt the closest to being who I was before.... almost.

Even with having to spend an almost perfect night with her, a dark cloud continous to loom over me. A mist of doubt and uncertainty remain inside me because questions come out. Questions of why I allowed her to get hurt and leave everything behind. It is difficult enought to prove my worth to be trusted again. It is doublely hard to defend against the consequences of the pain that I caused even more. Like a fabled pot of gold, I pursue my dreams at the end of the rainbow. The moment I believe to have reached my pot of gold, she fades away with the rainbow.

I've been blessed in more ways than one
I may not have a single cent in my pockets
But I have riches in friends who care
I didn't get honors in school
But I gained the smarts to survive
I may not have found buried treasure
But my greatest treasure is the previlage of knowing you

Memories of you can never be replaced
Pictures, worth more that its weight in gold
Your warm embrace, a luxury in cold nights
Kisses from you are simply heaven sent
But it was only when our hearts became one
that God heard the most silent of prayers