Day 9-10
It's simply too cold for me. -5'C is no joke for me. I'm getting frost-burns. I thought 3 layers of clothing would be enough, but no. That just keeps the wind out. you got to wear a thick jacket if you don't want to freeze your nuts off.
The problem pressing me now is not the fact that I'm writing in freezing temperatures but the fact being I'm still ignorant of what will happen when I get back home. I've been calling home, more specifically Jing at around 4pm Kiev time. It is a bad time to catch up on stories but what the heck. I'm happy to hear her voice and the things that happened that day. When its time to say goodbye, then I get confused.
She says goodbye and I say goodnight. That's ok. then after the stories of the day have been told and goodbyes and goodnights said, I say I love you and she answers back with I love you. Those words are hit me differently. Its like a double edge blade. It cuts throught the loneliness that envelopes me like the cold that accompanies me throughtout the day. It gives me warmth inside. I am happy. Happy not because I heard her say it thought my thirst for her affection disappears with 3 simple words. But moreover, it is because I feel the honesty behind the words and the genuine affection that carry her voice into my ears. It was not uttered because of pity, not in guilt nor by force of habit. Those words carry the true feeling of 2 people.
So why double edged? It's simply because 3 words are not truely enough. Call it, using your head or simply being realistic. For me, I guess its karma. For months, it was enough to hold on to a dream. A red light from a candle that was enough to guide a lone traveller in the dark. But now, it's not enough to even be hopeful. It is not even enough to be optimistic. Bitter justice, maybe.
The difficulty for me is that I've learned that love may not be enough reason to be with someone. There has to be action. There has to be something to water the seeds that love has planted. Love will not bloom if it was just left alone and may just eventually die off without even seeing its first spring.
Its terrible to know that the one you love feels the same but knowing that feeling in love is not enough stabs you deeper in the heart everyday.
"We assign a moment to decision, to dignify the process as a timely result of rational and conscious thought. But decisions are made of kneaded feeling; they are more often lump than a sum"
The problem pressing me now is not the fact that I'm writing in freezing temperatures but the fact being I'm still ignorant of what will happen when I get back home. I've been calling home, more specifically Jing at around 4pm Kiev time. It is a bad time to catch up on stories but what the heck. I'm happy to hear her voice and the things that happened that day. When its time to say goodbye, then I get confused.
She says goodbye and I say goodnight. That's ok. then after the stories of the day have been told and goodbyes and goodnights said, I say I love you and she answers back with I love you. Those words are hit me differently. Its like a double edge blade. It cuts throught the loneliness that envelopes me like the cold that accompanies me throughtout the day. It gives me warmth inside. I am happy. Happy not because I heard her say it thought my thirst for her affection disappears with 3 simple words. But moreover, it is because I feel the honesty behind the words and the genuine affection that carry her voice into my ears. It was not uttered because of pity, not in guilt nor by force of habit. Those words carry the true feeling of 2 people.
So why double edged? It's simply because 3 words are not truely enough. Call it, using your head or simply being realistic. For me, I guess its karma. For months, it was enough to hold on to a dream. A red light from a candle that was enough to guide a lone traveller in the dark. But now, it's not enough to even be hopeful. It is not even enough to be optimistic. Bitter justice, maybe.
The difficulty for me is that I've learned that love may not be enough reason to be with someone. There has to be action. There has to be something to water the seeds that love has planted. Love will not bloom if it was just left alone and may just eventually die off without even seeing its first spring.
Its terrible to know that the one you love feels the same but knowing that feeling in love is not enough stabs you deeper in the heart everyday.
"We assign a moment to decision, to dignify the process as a timely result of rational and conscious thought. But decisions are made of kneaded feeling; they are more often lump than a sum"
posted by Bigjun's Forgotten Realms at 7:24 PM
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