How I Remember You

With your head resting quietly on my lap
I hum for you a lullaby while you sleep
Gently I comb away the hair away from your face
A peaceful soul in front of me makes me sigh

A child-like pout you do after being tickled
Always followed by a wonderful little smile
You hated me for what I did
I love you were the only sound that came in the end

This is how I want to remember you
Faith may not have been in my favor
Life may not have been kind
I still remember you as a baby of mine

Days have been cloudy and gloomy
The sun peeking through gaps in the sky
Memories keep me company at times
A single soul hums a lullaby to say goodbye.

The problem with my life is that it plays like a jukebox with a broken selector which plays one song after the other. Or worst, it plays a medley of songs out off tune or out off melody. Just like trying to DJ mix "que sera sera" with a hard raock song. As vague as I may try to illustrate how I feel to put it simply, my life has more twist and turns than a roller coaster. I'm at a point that I ate up several feelings blended together in a mix that even my tears doesn't know if it should fall or not.

Weird..... Vague.... I don't know what I'm Saying.

As for now, after all that I have wrote down in my blog, I find myself in a place strangely familiar to me. It seems that I return to this place although the surroundings are different now. The wind blows in a different direction. Even the ground underneath my feet feels that it changed from the sand of a beach to this cobble stone path I walk on now. But still, there is still that akward feeling that I know this place. I know, I know this place.

There is this single path that I stand on. There is just one road.

It seems I've been walking this path over and over again.

gone again.

For the past 5 days, I have been far way from my baby. It has only barely a month since we got together again and I am missing her so badly. I was on a cruise for the holy week. something I know that my baby would enjoy and something I wish I could share with her.

The days that I was fortunate to have been able to experience since she took me back, these were the days I felt contented. I already miss the days I see her everyday. I miss Jing.

last day

I'm on my way home. Home is where your family is but it is also where your heart finds its place. Home is where yo hang your coat and put your feet up. Is there a place that will take care of my heart too.

Day 12

Today is Valentine's Day. The day of hearts and warm hugs. Today is far from warm. Snow covers my head and ice cold winds burn my face. No hugs for me today. Hugs that could melt the frost in my heart and soothe the aches from my burnt cheeks. No hugs for reasons that are obvious. I'm separated by earth and water streching beyond the reach of my sight, from the person I am not even sure will be there when I try go beyond the horizon. For the lucky ones spending this day of hearts with love ones, enjoy it because there are those that stare out of the window with a cup of coffee warming their hearts wishing they were besides those they left at home.

Day 11

Today, it started to snow. The color of white slowly covered the road I was walking on erasing the tracks I left behind. How appopriate I thought.

I left home optimistic. Happy that things wouold turn out for the best. My world was a portrait of lucious greens and patches of roses and tulips. With simple stokes of the hand over my cheeks and words softly running through my ears, the picture came together as color and feelings were combined and fused into the brush that decorated my life.

The reality is, I am trying to accept is like the snow that falls infront of me covering the footsteps I left in the past and the road I would follow in the future. I'm suddenly faced with the thought that I don't know where I am. The chill crawls up my body surpassing the warm memory of that last hug I kept inside. My world turned white as the snow conceal the grass and flowers. At the end, my world is simply a blank parchment ot knowing how the portrait will truely come out.

Day 9-10

It's simply too cold for me. -5'C is no joke for me. I'm getting frost-burns. I thought 3 layers of clothing would be enough, but no. That just keeps the wind out. you got to wear a thick jacket if you don't want to freeze your nuts off.


The problem pressing me now is not the fact that I'm writing in freezing temperatures but the fact being I'm still ignorant of what will happen when I get back home. I've been calling home, more specifically Jing at around 4pm Kiev time. It is a bad time to catch up on stories but what the heck. I'm happy to hear her voice and the things that happened that day. When its time to say goodbye, then I get confused.

She says goodbye and I say goodnight. That's ok. then after the stories of the day have been told and goodbyes and goodnights said, I say I love you and she answers back with I love you. Those words are hit me differently. Its like a double edge blade. It cuts throught the loneliness that envelopes me like the cold that accompanies me throughtout the day. It gives me warmth inside. I am happy. Happy not because I heard her say it thought my thirst for her affection disappears with 3 simple words. But moreover, it is because I feel the honesty behind the words and the genuine affection that carry her voice into my ears. It was not uttered because of pity, not in guilt nor by force of habit. Those words carry the true feeling of 2 people.

So why double edged? It's simply because 3 words are not truely enough. Call it, using your head or simply being realistic. For me, I guess its karma. For months, it was enough to hold on to a dream. A red light from a candle that was enough to guide a lone traveller in the dark. But now, it's not enough to even be hopeful. It is not even enough to be optimistic. Bitter justice, maybe.

The difficulty for me is that I've learned that love may not be enough reason to be with someone. There has to be action. There has to be something to water the seeds that love has planted. Love will not bloom if it was just left alone and may just eventually die off without even seeing its first spring.

Its terrible to know that the one you love feels the same but knowing that feeling in love is not enough stabs you deeper in the heart everyday.


"We assign a moment to decision, to dignify the process as a timely result of rational and conscious thought. But decisions are made of kneaded feeling; they are more often lump than a sum"

Day 7-8

(as written on Feb 9-10)

I left for Kiev with a heavy heart not because doubt still bothers me now and then but because of the desire to spend more time with her. Being able to enjoy an evening alone with her, all my thoughs, feelings and attention were concertrated at her as if I was just knowing her that night. I watched her intently looking for those tale-tell signs that she was enjoying her dinner with me that night. It was like trying to read her habits again.

With her head resting on my thigh, we watched TV. We tried to catch up on more stories about each other and of friends. "sorry because I wasn' listening to you", I was too busy starring at her nape, following the curve of her neck while slowly passing her hair through my fingers. It brought out memories of quiet days when no words were spoken but we understood how happy eachother was. A stroke of a hand says "I'm here with you."A simple kiss on the nape says I admire her and telling her that I find her irresistable. An adoring pinch on the thigh affirms everything.

Now I'm 38,00 feet in the air (by the way I'm in the plane on the way to Frankfurt). 38,000 feet from the earth that you stand on. I look out the window and stars line-up in front of me. I just needed to extend my my arm infront of me and I can grab one and throw it to you. So that when you look into the sky, you won't be alone. For you and you alone, that star will shine as much as I love you.

Dreams of being with you can only be enjoyed when I'm alone in bed and fast asleep. But when I come back home with all the wishes made to all the stars beside me, my dreams may just come true.