last day

I'm on my way home. Home is where your family is but it is also where your heart finds its place. Home is where yo hang your coat and put your feet up. Is there a place that will take care of my heart too.

Day 12

Today is Valentine's Day. The day of hearts and warm hugs. Today is far from warm. Snow covers my head and ice cold winds burn my face. No hugs for me today. Hugs that could melt the frost in my heart and soothe the aches from my burnt cheeks. No hugs for reasons that are obvious. I'm separated by earth and water streching beyond the reach of my sight, from the person I am not even sure will be there when I try go beyond the horizon. For the lucky ones spending this day of hearts with love ones, enjoy it because there are those that stare out of the window with a cup of coffee warming their hearts wishing they were besides those they left at home.

Day 11

Today, it started to snow. The color of white slowly covered the road I was walking on erasing the tracks I left behind. How appopriate I thought.

I left home optimistic. Happy that things wouold turn out for the best. My world was a portrait of lucious greens and patches of roses and tulips. With simple stokes of the hand over my cheeks and words softly running through my ears, the picture came together as color and feelings were combined and fused into the brush that decorated my life.

The reality is, I am trying to accept is like the snow that falls infront of me covering the footsteps I left in the past and the road I would follow in the future. I'm suddenly faced with the thought that I don't know where I am. The chill crawls up my body surpassing the warm memory of that last hug I kept inside. My world turned white as the snow conceal the grass and flowers. At the end, my world is simply a blank parchment ot knowing how the portrait will truely come out.

Day 9-10

It's simply too cold for me. -5'C is no joke for me. I'm getting frost-burns. I thought 3 layers of clothing would be enough, but no. That just keeps the wind out. you got to wear a thick jacket if you don't want to freeze your nuts off.


The problem pressing me now is not the fact that I'm writing in freezing temperatures but the fact being I'm still ignorant of what will happen when I get back home. I've been calling home, more specifically Jing at around 4pm Kiev time. It is a bad time to catch up on stories but what the heck. I'm happy to hear her voice and the things that happened that day. When its time to say goodbye, then I get confused.

She says goodbye and I say goodnight. That's ok. then after the stories of the day have been told and goodbyes and goodnights said, I say I love you and she answers back with I love you. Those words are hit me differently. Its like a double edge blade. It cuts throught the loneliness that envelopes me like the cold that accompanies me throughtout the day. It gives me warmth inside. I am happy. Happy not because I heard her say it thought my thirst for her affection disappears with 3 simple words. But moreover, it is because I feel the honesty behind the words and the genuine affection that carry her voice into my ears. It was not uttered because of pity, not in guilt nor by force of habit. Those words carry the true feeling of 2 people.

So why double edged? It's simply because 3 words are not truely enough. Call it, using your head or simply being realistic. For me, I guess its karma. For months, it was enough to hold on to a dream. A red light from a candle that was enough to guide a lone traveller in the dark. But now, it's not enough to even be hopeful. It is not even enough to be optimistic. Bitter justice, maybe.

The difficulty for me is that I've learned that love may not be enough reason to be with someone. There has to be action. There has to be something to water the seeds that love has planted. Love will not bloom if it was just left alone and may just eventually die off without even seeing its first spring.

Its terrible to know that the one you love feels the same but knowing that feeling in love is not enough stabs you deeper in the heart everyday.


"We assign a moment to decision, to dignify the process as a timely result of rational and conscious thought. But decisions are made of kneaded feeling; they are more often lump than a sum"

Day 7-8

(as written on Feb 9-10)

I left for Kiev with a heavy heart not because doubt still bothers me now and then but because of the desire to spend more time with her. Being able to enjoy an evening alone with her, all my thoughs, feelings and attention were concertrated at her as if I was just knowing her that night. I watched her intently looking for those tale-tell signs that she was enjoying her dinner with me that night. It was like trying to read her habits again.

With her head resting on my thigh, we watched TV. We tried to catch up on more stories about each other and of friends. "sorry because I wasn' listening to you", I was too busy starring at her nape, following the curve of her neck while slowly passing her hair through my fingers. It brought out memories of quiet days when no words were spoken but we understood how happy eachother was. A stroke of a hand says "I'm here with you."A simple kiss on the nape says I admire her and telling her that I find her irresistable. An adoring pinch on the thigh affirms everything.

Now I'm 38,00 feet in the air (by the way I'm in the plane on the way to Frankfurt). 38,000 feet from the earth that you stand on. I look out the window and stars line-up in front of me. I just needed to extend my my arm infront of me and I can grab one and throw it to you. So that when you look into the sky, you won't be alone. For you and you alone, that star will shine as much as I love you.

Dreams of being with you can only be enjoyed when I'm alone in bed and fast asleep. But when I come back home with all the wishes made to all the stars beside me, my dreams may just come true.

Day 5-6

I wasn't able to update my blog for the past day because it has been a "merry" -go-round for me.

Ash Wednesday...... I planned to and actually went to mass alone. I thought that this was a perfect day to start fresh. Its the day for forgiveness and prayer. I prayed for forgiveness from the hardships that she went though for me. At that moment, all I could do was humble myself by bowwing, clasped my hands together and hope that my heart's plea for forgiveness would take to the air and be heard by her. In return, I would feel that she has forgiven me. It wasn't just her that I needed to be forgiven, I also need to forgive myself and forget the tragedies that happen so as not be stuck in the past. I must learn to let go of the past and not to limit the possibilities so that the present would be a surprize.

I knew that she heard the previous mass but I dragged myself to come early and possibly be able to catch a glimpse of her knowing then that the next time I get to see her would be next week when I came back. Well I did.... I was able to see her and it meant all the difference befor I leave.But, I think God wants me to have something nice to remember her by when I left. She called thinking that I maybe in Starbucks doing my usual coffee binge. Hoping to find someone to be with while she studied, it ended with me sharing dinner with her that night. That was something long overdue. And as if knowing that dinner may not be enough to quench my craving for her, friends that I haven't seen and also missed started texting to meet up. It was turning out to be a night that I silently prayed for but never thought might happen. By the end of that night, I felt the closest to being who I was before.... almost.

Even with having to spend an almost perfect night with her, a dark cloud continous to loom over me. A mist of doubt and uncertainty remain inside me because questions come out. Questions of why I allowed her to get hurt and leave everything behind. It is difficult enought to prove my worth to be trusted again. It is doublely hard to defend against the consequences of the pain that I caused even more. Like a fabled pot of gold, I pursue my dreams at the end of the rainbow. The moment I believe to have reached my pot of gold, she fades away with the rainbow.

I've been blessed in more ways than one
I may not have a single cent in my pockets
But I have riches in friends who care
I didn't get honors in school
But I gained the smarts to survive
I may not have found buried treasure
But my greatest treasure is the previlage of knowing you

Memories of you can never be replaced
Pictures, worth more that its weight in gold
Your warm embrace, a luxury in cold nights
Kisses from you are simply heaven sent
But it was only when our hearts became one
that God heard the most silent of prayers

If I Believe

by Patti Austin

If I believed in paradise
I'd swear I must be there
I'd swear I must be there right now with you
If I believed in miracles
I'd know that one was happening to me
But if I don't believe in paradise
Then miracles aren't real
Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
But with you I can't deny
if I believed in paradise
I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells
It all would be so clear
'Cause magic spells must have brought you here
If I could see the future
I'd see if you and I were meant to be
But I dont know any magic
And tomorrow's just a dream
But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
I wanna believe it's love this time
I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie
But with you I cant deny
If I believed in paradise
I'd swear I'm there

I'm there
I'm there
If I believed.

Day 4

Its funny that someone asked how signifant the song "Constantly" is for me. It is pretty significant to me right now especially that for the last few days all that I have thinking of is basically how much I miss her. I also have been thinking of the things that I regret doing. I've done a lot of stupid things and the plans that I tried to do these pass few weeks may just be the clincher for me. But to hell with me, if things turn out the way I didn't hope it would end then I still know that she will be happy.

I'll be leaving soon for a week in Kiev. Yep on valentine week, when all the romance and sweetness happen between people. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if when get back from my trip, if there would be someone there to welcome me home. I guess I'll know for sure when I get home. I will be going to mass on friday to pray for a successful and safe trip. (let me know if you do want to accompany me)

Day 3

Another day to wake up to. Not knowing what will happen today may very well be the best thing that I should be thinking of. Because at the end of the day after the sun has set under the horizon when the sky turns dark, I am still where I started my day. Flat on my back, looking at the stars, thinking of you. I still know that the feeling deep inside me is tearing the very fabric of my heart.

I shout out at night hoping that you can hear me but my efforts fall into deaf ears. Even after crying out my frustration, silence replaces my voice and tells me that no one will hear me. I find myself listening intently to the silince of the night hoping that a voice would tell me to be happy again or t0 move on.

For now all I hear is the music in my room.




Constantly byVanessa Williams

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Havent known you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too much too strong

Could this be love
Deep down inside
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

Chorus:
Constantly, youre on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I cant sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking bout you

Why do I feel this way
When I know you have someone
That youre seeing each and every day
Should I play this game
Of just being your friend
When I know thats not where I want it to end

How could this be wrong
When the feelings so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

Chorus 2x

No I dont want to start no trouble
Between you and I and your lover
But I must tell you what Im going through
Everytime you walk by I see love in your eyes

Who is this?

She is an embodiment of what a lady should be
And yet the little girl inside keeps her smiling
She walks gracefully with a stature exude respect
And yet her warm nature invites you to be her friend

She speaks to you frankly what’s in her mind
The bare truth without the sugar coating
And yet her words can soothe any pain away
And her opinions taken into heart

But her best quality in neither her beauty nor mind
It is her ability to love, to give herself
Her love is a priceless gift that only few may receive
For the lucky ones, they know it is truly precious

Day 2

Anxiety fills my body with dread that I may have been too late to save that which I had and now know that which is the most valuable gift that I received. Sadly, it is also my fault that I may have lost it. A gift wrapped in love and bowed in devotion..... Jing.

I may have accepted the fact that I am too late to save myself from losing her. Though I try to be optimistic, remembering the hardships that I caused her is a big slap to my face reminding me that it is all my fault. Fact, I hurt her. Fact, I took bad care of her. Fact, it took me too long to wake up. Now, I will get her back....... a fictious hallucination brought about a late sense of longing and desire to devote one self for the happiness of another. Sigh.

It has been 2 long days since I asked her what she wanted. From there I was left with a single question. A question that may simply force me to abandon hope or be humbled to prove my worth. I asked her "Would you rather want to move on or give me another chance to love you?". In 2 weeks. that question may stab me in the heart and bleed it dry or give me hope that I now have a single chance for redemption. One more chance to prove that I am worth being with her. One chace to love her right this time.

Is this wishing for too much?

Maybe...... but I still have to try.

Moon River

Moon River, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're going I'm going your way

Two drifters off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waiting 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.


For some reason this song means a lot more now than before......

Day 1

The reality that I have set for myself is something that many may call stupid or border-line crazy. For months I have been struggling to resolve the problems within my family which had its impact on my personal life. I've alienated even the person that was most important to me. The only person that tried to understand and carry my emotional structure on her shoulders. But what happened, I took a long time to fix myself. I took too long to love her as I know as I can.

Now, I find myself at a road that may simply lead me to a place that will allow me to love her as I know that could and would. The other way leading to losing her all together. For the next two weeks, I walk towards something that I don"t know.

The word "happiness" entered my thoughts
It came to me at the moment that I was looking at myself
At a time I was alone, my head slumped on the coffee table
Why not "despair" as Cupid's arrow may never hit me or worst
Love leads me to the edge of extacy just to push you over the cliff again
Why not "freedom", I am myself, no one to worry, no one to think of
Yet in this overpopulated world, nothing is worth anything without being shared
To be able to reach the peak of joy, is always shared with another but always accompanied with the risk of failure

Life can change in a day

Life can change in a day
In only 24 short hours
Rains fall where the sun shined
Smiles gone , washed off happy faces
My smile gone from my life
The change came when I lost you

Those short 24 hours in a day
The sunshine disappeared
The rainbows never came out
My life changed that day
The change is because I lost you

Yesterday it was so much better
My heart filled with joy
Bliss from the first kiss lingered
Now everything changed, different
The change happened when I lost you


How fast did everything change
Time flies when having fun
It took a day, 24 short hours
24 hours to make my life different
The diffenrence is i don't have you